Core Group First Session: setting the scene and introducing the RAT working principles

We were absolutely thrilled with our first core group session. We wanted to bring together survivors from several previous projects and others new to us; we wanted to create a space in which people could be who they are without having to explain themselves; and to start finding a language for the things we need to be able to communicate about as a collective. It will be an ongoing process and we’ll make lots of mistakes as we go. But I was aware of a number of strikingly different personalities taking space and giving space in similar measure, and in my experience that is very rare, especially in a relatively large group of people many of whom don't know each other.

How did we do it? Let’s look at how we started and we’ll tell you how we think it helped.

We asked people what they needed from the space - not what they thought was possible.

In fact, we actively encouraged people to ask for things that were not possible. Cue hammocks from the ceiling, bouncy castle slides leading to ball pits that release music when you land in them, board games that release real life butterflies and everything housed in a massive vat of elixir that gets rid of all pain.

Survivors are used to needing very reasonable things and being told that our needs cannot be met. The more often that happens, the less we feel able to ask for what we need - or even recognise it, in literal terms. But if we know we’re asking for the impossible, we don't limit ourselves to what might conceivably be done to avoid the humiliation of being refused, and we can be really honest with ourselves. And from those honest answers, we can capture the essence of that need and translate that essence into something that is possible.

We can't hang a hammock from the wall, but we can give people space, holding and permission to rest. We can't bring a bouncy castle slides into the room, but we can let people throw themselves into an experience and support them to reach the ground safely. We can't manifest butterflies, but we can use a light touch and approach everything with a spirit of hope and growth.

And most importantly, by sharing these needs as a collective, we can all share responsibility for each other’s needs - and that collective ownership helps us strive for each other as well as for ourselves, take pride and satisfaction in our successes, and approach challenges with curiosity and creativity rather than defeat.

The group approved a set of principles for the space that we want to share here in the hope that they will be of use to others providing spaces for survivors. They are also available to view in the main body of the website. They are undoubtedly not perfect and may be added to or adapted over time, but they are working for us now.

Agency With Bravery

Agency is possibly the most important thing for most survivors. Though it doesn't always feel like it, we know better than anyone else what is right for us at any one time (including making mistakes! Mistakes can be the right thing too!), and the only way we will ever be able to trust that is if we are allowed to enact it.

For that reason, nobody has to take part in anything they don't want to do in RAT sessions. Or if they want to take part but need to adapt it slightly to their own needs, so long as that doesn't obstruct another person’s participation, that is fine. If you need to leave the room, you can come back in whenever you like. If you want to stay and just be present for a bit, you can pick back up again whenever you are ready.

So, where does “with bravery” come into it? Well, the very act of coming into a survivor space is tremendously brave, so it partly goes without saying. But when everyone in a group of people has taken that step, they put a certain amount of trust in each other and themselves, and that must be protected. We invite people to try things out if they feel safe enough doing so, even if they don't know why we're doing it at first or it feels a bit silly - because stepping out of our comfort zone and “being” in a different way can be the first step in finding out something really important about ourselves.

If in the space and not participating, we ask people to be generous to those still working by giving authentic, sincere energy to them and the process, so nobody is distracted by feeling spied on in a judgmental way.

The last note on this principle is that, while the option to leave the room is always there, we will only ever ask someone to do so if we fear for anyone’s safety with them in the space at that time. And, contrary to popular belief, being unavoidably present with your emotions - whether that brings tears or spontaneous laughter or shivers and shakes - will not cause anyone else any harm! We’re all so conditioned to believe that we have to hide ourselves away when emotional that we now instinctively feel like we’re dangerous to others when we listen and respond to our bodies in this way, and leave the room if we start crying or laughing “inappropriately” or whatever it may be just to avoid making others uncomfortable. Sometimes that person may genuinely need to go somewhere else to reset, but sometimes the experience of staying in the space and letting yourself be grounded by the others in it, and seeing that no-one is harmed when the moment passes, can be part of a crucial process of accepting and trusting yourself.

So in RAT spaces, we either are not, or bravely strive not to be, afraid of people’s feelings, and create a space in which overwhelm can coexist with equilibrium if it wants to do so.

Allow The Process To Happen

We all have to put up so many defences in the world around us that reaching a place of authentic communication requires a reset of sorts. RAT sessions involve experiential tasks, games and exercises that help us to find that reset, before we then go into reflective activities like discussion, planning and brainstorming. It ensures that our intellectual activity continues to be informed by what our bodies and spirits instinctively know, and brings our emotional intelligence on a par with our knowledge based and rational skills.

But we aren't used to giving those parts of us much airtime. For some that can be uncomfortable and the temptation can be to deflect with brain work, while for others it can bring up so many thoughts and questions all at once that we interrupt it before it’s had time to give us the information that we need. The result of either of these reactions can be that we cut off the bodily, energetic experience in full swing by starting to talk and reason and rationalise. This doesn't only cut off our own experience: it distracts others’ as well.

The temptation here is to ask people to “trust” the process - but I as the one guiding it am not comfortable with that word. You cannot authentically give someone your trust if they have not earned that trust, and we are at the beginning of a long journey. So instead, we invite people to allow the process to happen, knowing that there will be time to reflect afterwards, and room to be held in whatever form that reflection takes.

We Will All Get It Wrong

This is one of my personal favourites. We live in a time when it’s less and less acceptable to make mistakes - but I'd that actually making us any better at looking after each other? I would argue the opposite: if we’re too frightened to ask the questions we need to ask to understand each other, we exist solely in our own heads and communication is a pretence.

It normally isn't hard to tell when someone is making a mistake and when someone is intentionally causing offence. And to learn from mistakes, we need to be shown grace. If we can all start with the assumption that everyone will say something ignorant at some point, and there is space to grow from that, we set each other free.

Compassionate Compromise

Whether it’s physical, neurological or emotional, trauma leaves us all with very different needs - and sometimes our needs will conflict with those of someone else in the space. That’s OK. In fact, if we can be open about it and work out a compassionate compromise, we have an opportunity to open our hearts and minds to another person in a way we may not usually get to do, and realise that our own needs don't make us as impossible to be around as we may once have thought.

We try to avoid saying that we aim to make the space equally comfortable for everyone. Partly because the work often takes us a little out of our comfort zones, and partly because an assertion like that risks gaslighting someone who ends up making bigger sacrifices than others here and there. Instead, we strive to make the space equally challenging for everyone. We’re still unlikely to achieve that, but it at least reminds us to keep our awareness of each other and our capacities to compromise alive.

Balance The Space

We so rarely take any notice of just how many different forms of communication there are. In spaces where so many of us have not been free or able to communicate as we have needed, it is particularly important that we remain alert to the different textures of presence in the space, and acknowledge them all.

So we ask our participants to notice if they are big talkers, or communicate better through movement, writing, drawing, eye contact, breath - and notice that in each other, too. If you’re a big talker, are you listening out for what isn't being said? If you’re a quiet type, are you as present as you could be on your own terms? At any one moment, do you feel like everyone around you is occupying the same space - and if not, what can we do to help?

We Are All Survivors

The best thing about being a survivor-led organisation is that, at every level, we will at least to some extent “get it”, where in some organisations and services we might struggle to help people to understand us. The mixed blessing of it, I suppose, is that we are all vulnerable. I truly believe that there is great value in that: it’s the most authentic way those “in charge” can have as big a job to do as everyone else in making room for trust, and sets up the potential for co-production more organically. But it does mean we all have to look after each other more than in other settings. This isn't the ideal for something like therapy, in which the individual is the main focus and worrying about the other can be a distraction - but the opportunities it presents for learning how to model the kind of person you would want others to be to yourself in a trauma-conscious world, there is no replacement.

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Did you miss the first one? Not a problem! We’re back on 25th August, then 15th September, and will soon announce the dates that will take us up to the end of the year. If on hearing all this you feel like you belong in this space, come and meet us.

If you’re interested in how we work and want to learn more, remember we offer trauma-conscious communication training and consultancy: just drop us a line to chat about what we could do for you.